Freedom

I miss you. I really do miss you.. especially now that I'm seeing you happy, for I was the one who makes you smile before. I was also the one who gives you that ~kilig~ feeling, but now I was just a memory to you. I miss making your day.. I miss annoying you, make fun of you, our foodtrips, our "walks". I miss you being my listener, my savior, my lift when I'm feeling down, my inspiration..

I can't believe myself that I'm typing this while I'm crying.

I want to see you.. hug you, and if you'll allow me, I want to bite again your arm until my teeth will leave a mark. I want to tickle you, for I know where are those areas to attack that can give you a hard laugh. I want to sleep again beside you while you hug me, and I want to feel your lips.. kissing me as you wake me up.

I'm sorry.. for taking you for granted.

I'm sorry.. for not being true to you.

I fell inlove that's why I have to do those things to escape from my fears and confusions. I really don't want to hurt myself.. I'm selfish.. I don't want to take risk. I'm not that strong enough to do such decisions that I would not be able to figure out whether It'll be good or not. I thought that it will be a lot easier if I'll just drop you just like that.. not knowing that you are a bomb that I should be careful at handling since that moment when I say those words.. "walang sisihan". I was like a suicide bomber everytime I tell you that I miss someone when I'm with you.. and for the record, this will be the first time that I will tell you these, without that fucking disclaimer. I love you.

I was just afraid for I don't know reasons, that is why I'm always giving you the impression that I really don't like you, and I'm not going to love you. I always do those things that you don't want, like smoking.. I curse, I act like a bitch, I share stories bragging about myself.. it wasn't the real me most of the times.. but you tolerated it and what I really felt during those moments being with you is so surreal and I'm missing it so much right now.

But then, I should stop this. You must be happy now, and I'm happy for you too :) I was just sad that I'm not the one now who makes your day. And yes.. I'm saying it again... though you will never say those words to me. I hope that you can find that girl that will give you the courage to say the words. I love you.